That awkward moment

I have had writers block for the last week... for the last three years really, but who's counting.
I could not complete a post this whole week and then it dawned on me.. why not write about something that has been front and center of my life the past week (month, year.)

• There was my 10 month one sided relationship.. the one where I had a boyfriend but he didn't have a girlfriend.. awkward.
• There is my good friend who is married and they are going through a separation? but not really? awkward.
• Then there is my friend and she is happily married, I can only pray that it will be me one day.. no awkwardness there :)

These relationships all have one thing in common, there is at least one person that is (or was) working hard to making things work.

Relationships are hard. But then again what in life that has any worth or meaning is easy? I don't compare myself to anyone or any situation anymore because really you don't know what is going on behind closed doors but I definitely take from what each of my friends share with me and make my own list of what I will and won't accept.  A lot of the time people don't want to put in the work and it seems to be much worse here in Atlanta because there is like 13-18 women for everyone guy. What that means is, when guys hear one too many "no's" or, "I don't that", they tend to not be so tolerable.
Am I saying that women should lower their standards  or overlook certain things they normally would be particular about? OF COURSE NOT!
What I am saying is people should be open about their expectations, wants and needs and that only comes from communication. It will save a lot of heartache and headache.

The worst feeling is when you think you are getting somewhere.. then poof! Psych ya mind! (a little more than awkward :/)

While I do see my self as a serial monogamous and I tend to bounce back fast, I think I will be bouncing more like a soccer ball than a basketball this time around.

The itch

I am starting to get the itch. You know the one.. that hits around this time, you start visiting your friends or maybe family and you're like DAMN!! I want that..
Yep it hits me every now and then... the decorate my house itch.. :)
I have been living in my house since mid-2009 and it still looks like I just moved it.. OK maybe not that bad.. But definitely someone lives here, I suppose it depends on what day you visit.
I have enlisted my friend, Rae Cook to be my resident Interior Designer. She has a awesome blog, that is filled with cute ideas, check her out here.
Anyway, when I first started telling her I want to liven up my place (again for the third time), she gave me one very strict guideline:
 "Take the stuff out of the trunk from the last time we had this conversation." I have the tendency to keep things in my trunk until I'm actually ready to use it.. I did that with a pack of chicken once.. that did not turn out so well.
She starting talking about colors, and patterns and then the all time most important question... "soooo what are you trying to do in here, what are your storage needs, what do you want to keep?" *double blink*
ummmm there's a method to the madness?!
She gave me some good ideas about storage, using furniture for storage, current and future color coordination.
This is what I have so far, what do you think?

I will keep you posted on how I scratch this itch.
~til next time
XO

What's next

I found out today that someone I admire will be stepping out of their position to do something they truly love.
It's sometimes strange the people we look up to, or admire so to speak, like this person isn't exactly like me, we rarely ever even speak unless its about business. But on the other hand we do share some attributes, we are both hard working, we both see the light in giving back and we are both determined.
The job this person decided to do is to dedicate their life to helping others; those less fortunate, caught up by circumstances, and just all around having bad luck in life. I wonder how long it took them to decide that they were going to leave their "sure thing" to live in a life of giving.

wowza! how long has it been

Hi Blog,
nice to meet your acquaintance again after like 3 years now.. My how things have changed since the last time we spoke.
How's life? Life is great! I have a handsome 4 year old, a good job ( not the one of my dreams, but nonetheless a job), a house and a wonderful boyfriend. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Well technically I could.. likkkee I want my masters degree wayyy before 2012, I'd like to be married soon, to be in a different city.. soon and of course the dream job of a lifetime..
But God puts us in places at times where he knows we can handle it right? RIGHT?! I mean I've done my share of community service, I recycle, and nice to my neighbors ( most of the time), I don't abuse my child.. My circle of friends is great.. we are all like minded, God- fearing, putting back into society what we take out adults..

I'm not complaining I'm just saying when is it going to be my turn?

how long?

how do I continue to let you pull me down?
how long do I let you drag me through the ground?
how long will you smile in my face
and talk behind my back like I'm a disgrace?
see they told me that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,
but they were never called the names I've heard and its more than just words.
its deep down binding, emotional grinding, organ crushing and always bad timing.
I try my best to be the best me I can, to put my best foot forward, smile my prettiest smile, and never give a cold shoulder.
I opened my ears, heart and my mind
to always be thoughtful, loving and kind.
then I finally realized thats its not me
its all you in your misery.
the lies you were told and misfortunes you faced
you never let them go, you decided to displace
them on a pure soul, one thats fresh and new
one that wouldnt know that you were being untrue
but not to worry, I still love you
for I have the love of the Lord in my heart, spirit and mind
and I will always be loyal and true
because what you do unto others will come back to you.

Where did I go wrong?

wow, I shoulda made that left at albequeque...
I tried to rationalize the situation in my mind, I thought about all the things that I had done and what I hadn't done and what I could do, to make the situation better.
and after I had evaluated every possible answer to the questions I had, but still more wrong doing came about. ok maybe I'm over compensating, maybe I was doing too much. What do I have to do .. sell my soul... oh heck no!! I'm not doing that.
And after all this rationalization, and every excuse I could give for him, I had made it real easy for him.. then it dawned on me.. right then, right there..

NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT!!!
Its all him, he did it, he lied, he cheated, he lied to cover up the cheating.

And thats what its come down to...
I mean I held up my part of the deal, the only thing I asked for was honesty.
I gave you a way out, the door was always open, if you wanted to go you could. you are grown.. you are damn near 30.. get it together. The world will still turn believe me.. I know.

You know how you pray for clairvoyance... you ask God to give you the wisdom, give you a sign and show you the light...lol
He did.. long ago and I said " no God, look.. , but he did this, and he said this"... and God gave me another... and I said "nooo way, how can that be."
Then I finally realized wait, I'm talking to God here, he has his hand in all of this, wow.. hindsight is 20/20.

I dont know what to think anymore

wow I don't know what to think these days. the people who you think you know.. you really don't. the only person you can really count on is God.. because even sometimes we fail ourselves.
the last two months of my life have been good, a little depressing but good. it seems like when I think im ready to give up.. God gives me one more way out. One more chance...
I have a beautiful son, a loving family and tons of "friends". but is that what life is defined by.. isnt it supposed to be define by our greatest moments, our accomplishments, the days when we are at our lowest but got through it.
There are so many things that are out there that can take our mind off what is bothering us.. but those things are temporary. nothing is long lived even carnal love ends.
The more I learn about people the more I dont take what I have for granted because I know there is someone out there struggling... for something.

WOW

January 2.
I wake up to a horrifying text.. Brandeis, my brother is gone.
Its so early, my first thought is what?! what happened?!

Oh my goodness.. Life is so precious.
As I sit here at my desk I can only think about what my cousin/family friend was thinking moments before he decided to take his own life. The very things that we on a daily basis take for granted, the things that make us happy, sad, content.. the things that make us... us.
I'm speechless
I cannot fathom how his dad, mom, and three brothers are feeling right now. You know you always hear about a friend of a friends friend that does something unimaginable... you never think it can happen to you.

2007 I dedicate this year to helping out others....

hmm

This blogging thing is so cool.. I can write my thoughts and you can respond to my thoughts.. however no one responds to my thoughts... maybe im not profound enough.
So im a mommy!!! did I mention that?
Why is thenumber one question now "when are you going back to work?" dang back to work already.... can I spend time with the being that was resting inside of me for 10 months?

Jaden

Ok so Im gonna have to learn how to link all these things... I don't know how i remembered my first password but whatever Im here now.
So Im a mommy now... Wow!!! My baby was born 11-5 8 lbs 1 oz. and oh so cute. ok ill have to be back he's awake : )

I don't know what happened

Good February!!!
I lost my password somewhere in the mess so I had to ceate a new blog...
I've been wanting to write for sometime but I have been working like ... anyway you know what I mean.
I think today I want to talk about life.
It's short thats for sure, I had a friend from college who passed recently was about to turn 25 just graduated from TSU, in graduate school, enjoying life... and in an instant all that was taken away.
I attended his celebration of life and one of his cousins made a comment about what doesn't have to look forward to in life anymore.... no more bills, no female drama, no house or car note.. all that stuff. But is that what this life is all about.... bills and drama with the opposite sex. There has got to be more to life than that. I mean did Mom and Dad teach us to save money, and be polite and how to be well versed in life.. so that all we can do is handle the bills and the headache of the opposite sex? There has got to more to life than that, right? I mean sometimes I have to ask myself should I save this money or go and buy something nice for myself. I mean if I die tomorrow I can't take this $300 with me but I at least I got a chanel bag out of the deal :)


But back to what I have to say about life.... Its short, enjoy it. love your friends and your enemies, Believe in God